How to Pass for an Artiste

Open Mic Uganda – Five Plus Interview
Jun 19, 2013
Nyonyozi – Five Plus Interview
Jun 24, 2013

How to Pass for an Artiste

You don’t just join this field fwaa. Many have tried, and they have failed… so they pull stunts that are close but are not the real deal. And somehow, they do it so well that they are able to squeeze past the gates that admit into the entertainment(see, music) industry. But how do they manage to pull it off? Me, Teacher, me. I know!


Firstly, one must have a conspicuous arrangement of their hair upon their head. Red, lime green, yellow, purple… any colour will do. If one’s hair is not long enough, then some is taken off the hide of billy goat and sewn onto the head. Even chicken feathers will suffice if the worst comes to the worst.

Apparel is key. Many times, it has to be matching the colour upon the head. If it is for the upper part of the body, it should be way larger than he that weareth. If it is for the lower limbs, it should be so small that it does not fit. Don’t forget the ridiculously fluorescent colours… oranges, greens, yellows…

Accessories are a must in order to accent the apparel. Dog chains, rosaries, Omeca watches, Loius Vottion purses, chunky wedding rings, plastic ear thingies and Tecno or CCIT smart phones will do. It is all about making the impression.


Try to sing. Try. This means that your vocal muscles can’t produce what is pleasing to the ears and can only be accompanied by ready-made sound. It might also mean that you can only sing in one key. Should the key change, you are doomed. As well, singing off-key is also acceptable. Just make sure you are singing louder than the track you are doing karaoke to.

Prefer to do karaoke as compared to live band music. It is cheaper, it is easier and there is room to steal somebody’s genius, and no one will notice. You cannot be bothered to sit down and write your own music. In fact, you cannot be bothered with knowing how to write music!

Be unable to play a musical instrument. When presented with the opportunity, laugh modestly like you don’t want to blind the audience with awesomeness lest you actually play! But deep down, know that you don’t even know how to hold the damn thing, say it’s a guitar! However, making music with your mouth is acceptable, especially drums.

And how can you not know how to dance? If you don’t, here are a few steps to get you started:

  • Slouch over like a chimp
  • Grab or hold your crotch
  • Swing back and forth or left to right
  • Lose the beat

And there you have it.

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