A letter to my Arsenal fan girlfriend…
My dear love, I am immensely bothered by the fact that what has been peace and in most cases misinterpreted by third parties as insanity-at-hibernation between us has come to a definite end. The Barclays Premier League is back. That said, it puts to rest my much celebrated peace as another series of endless verbal artilleryand wars that shall like in the past, evoke the tempest of emotions we’ve for long docked at the serene bay; to sprout out into sky high wacky lunacy. How I really loathe this season! I must confess I had never seen you argue passionately about something you dearly believe in and I still don’t object to your opinions. They might be low but they are yours and you’re surely entitled to them. However, please know your limits. I agree with you, I am not an arsenal fan let alone a frenzy soccer fan even when I pretend to feel your pain at your usual low arsenal moments. Much as am “probably” betrothed to you, it simply means understanding but not agreement. Please allow me to believe in what I know and stand for. You are at liberty to go about with all your madcap ideas of arsenal’s probable championship this season. May be this time round, you have a better vintage opinion based on your fictitious fortune teller that seems to spell doom every other season. I still predict doom and that’s how I am opinionated of arsenal anyway. However, I must say, like the adage that goes, “every law has an exception clause” and so does everything and in this context, Arsenal may chance a streak of luck to top the table this season. For now, I am still relishing the moment before the intense part of the season sets in and I shall continue watching Top Gear, Cheaters and Jerry Springer shows. I shall surely have a very deep and heavy sigh of relief at the end of the season because that shall mark the renaissance of sanity and fine well prepared meals at the dining table. To Arsenal you have committed your life this season like the previous anyway and to me, you will dispense desertion. I shall also commit that DSTV allowance to my friends at the bar if you can’t compromise.
To draw your attention away from the obvious heartbreaking results on your side, our anniversary is around the corner. I shall be giving you especially a treat to a very sumptuous and relishing meal, prepared and served by yours faithfully. Your dear eyes should not pop on this one as I have secretly been attending catering classes particularly for this day just as a sign of appreciation for all your endeavors to make me a happy man apart from your low Arsenal moments. All you have to do is bring your throat along and your sins shall be forgiven. Considering the fact that I have for long been known as a brilliant student and not a struggling one, be certain that whoever will have a bite of this meal shall not have or develop any abdominal anomalies and in the unlikely event that anyone does, I shall definitely and we all collectively blame the dispenser of knowledge, my teacher for the misguiding information or knowledge passed on though reservedly and not the Wangu makeris way. I shall endeavor to see that you have a taste of Githeri so as to feel at home though I promise not to eat or taste it for obvious reasons best known to the two of us. Till then I remain a ManCity and Top Gear show die hard!
With profound love and romantic attachment,
PS: Sorry I couldn’t dare tell you this in person since I noticed the way you move around the house with a frying pan that has often times missed hitting the TV at your Arsenal games. Oh my poor plasma!
The views expressed in this article are those of the author and NOT of The One Question Network or its management.