Give the Lord a mighty hand of praise.

Ruckus clapping by the congregation. Musicians each play disorganized shizzo!

Amen. The Lord is good. Now everybody lift up your hands. Now take your hands and reach into your pockets and take out your tithe. Amen. Now stand up, you with your tithe, and you shall receive a blessing.

A considerable number of the congregation stand up.

For it is written, give and it shall come back to you, good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over. If you have coins, don’t bother. God doesn’t want your coins. They can’t be pressed down, and the Word has to be fulfilled, so sit down, all ye with coins!!

Half of those standing sit, their faces awash with puzzled frowns.

How do you expect to give God coins and expect to drive large cars? Tell your neighbor, God doesn’t take coins.

Half-hearted God-doesn’t-take-coins crawls out of the congregation.

Yes, in fact it is an abomination in his eyes. Don’t you know the story of the talents? To him that has much, more will be given. Isn’t that the simplest thing? (Wicked smirk)

 

Deathly silence grips congregation. Off-key piano notes ring out over the speakers.

Okay. Ushers, pass the tithe buckets around. Make sure you write your name and your number on the envelope. Then I shall pray a special prayer for only the tithers. The rest of you can go home and repent, and seek his face, and turn from your wicked ways. For it is written, He will sift the wheat from the chuff! How dare you try to steal from the Lord of hosts? Has the Bible not said he is a consuming fire?

A few of the congregation trembling with fear, eyes tightly shut, fervently muttering prayers for forgiveness.

Now let’s go for the love offering. God will accept your logbook, your land title, your plantation farm and not less than a million shillings. You can also bring your Galaxy S4, your Lumia, your Z10 or your iPad. For you are sowing a seed here. Give God the best and you will reap the best. (Flashing chunky gold rings).

Ejakait can’t take any more. He stands up and leaves, disgusted.

And those who are walking out will be hit by a bus. As in the case of Jonah, you cannot run away from the Lord…

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