Early Warning for Imminent Coup

Dear Ugandans, Kampalans in particular,

I hope this letter finds you in good health.

Hi, my name is Mara Stock, middle name Boo!! I work very hard. I do what I am supposed to do, and even more. I go out of my way to make an impression to you, but I am never recognized for nothing, which kinda sucks and is terrible for esteem.

I know everything that happens in this city. I have choked on teargas and fireworks more times than the person you decided to put in office!! I keep watch over this city, I do.

But you all decided to elect the wrong person(see, bird) for a symbol of this, our beloved, nation. Ever since he stepped into office, Crest Crane, middle name Ed, has been on holiday… like some of our politicians in parliament. You only see this chap in the countryside, strolling lazily through lush green meadows and doing a lot of nothing, really. He has been on holiday since longer than I can remember.

How can we have such a non-performing character to hold such a contentious office? I mean, he is never at work, and doesn’t do anything. He does not even know where Parliament Avenue is! I am always in this city, and everywhere else too. Heck, I am even more popular among tourists than he is. They know me more. Google ‘Uganda’ and you’ll find me on the results pages. Is this not proof enough? You can find me anytime, anywhere,.

But that is the thing with you Ugandans. You always pick the non-performing people to do all this country’s crucial jobs! My plumage my not be as bright and catchy but, heck, what is the use of bright and catchy plumage if it is chilling in the countryside? We need these so-called leaders to be seen performing their duties by the people who chose them. Nothing strikes a louder note to the populace than a hardworking servant!!

Now, at the moment, I am carrying out an aggressive campaign to make my presence more than felt(after all, you have all decided to act like I don’t exist!!). Firstly, I am going to poo on your cars with a renewed energy. I will poo on you as you climb out, and I will poo on you as you get in. I will poo on you as you walk these streets, and I will do more pooing as you stand waiting for taxis. I will poo on you and I will do more pooing in the deep of night!

I will contaminate your ice cream. My quill feathers are going to be all over the place, and you are going to breathe in my down feathers – they are the white, extra fluffy ones in the area surrounding my bottom!! I will destroy your appetite. I will make you think twice about walking under Jennifer’s trees. (I am grateful to her for not getting rid of my kind, and giving us places to stay… Parliament, KCCA headquarters, City Square, CPS…!!)

I am making sure my poo is corrosively toxic and smelly to the max to ruin the paint on your second-hand Japanese cars. My minions are carrying out these duties with relish at this very moment. This is what you get for being blind and making wrong decisions.